Tuesday, November 2, 2010

This Much I Know

So, I created this blog over a year ago, fully intending to post on it.  I just couldn't quite decide what to write about.  Should it be funny? Informative? Personal? Am I writing more for others or for myself? I still haven't totally decided these things yet.  What keeps running through my head is the old adage "write what you know". That got me thinking today while I was driving for a while, and then a stream of consciousness began that was very inspiring.  I'm afraid I won't be able to remember all of it, but this was a start.

I know the most intense love in the world.  I know abuse at the hands of men.  I know depression and loneliness and heart stopping sadness.  I know what it's like to have been an outsider most of my life.  I know the unconditional love of a parent.  I know extreme physical pain that ends in something wonderful.  I know that marriage is now the 2nd hardest thing I've ever done.  I know that I can do absolutely anything in the world that I set my mind to.  I know that friends can be the most awesome gift or the most toxic relationship.  I know that animals should never suffer because of humans.  I know that I don't do enough to help others in need. I know that my heart aches immensely for children raised in homes without love, and for the adults they become.  I know that I'm grateful to have a husband who loves me through thick and thin, even though I'm so difficult sometimes. I know that I haven't deserved so much of what's been given to me. I also know that I did not cause those things.  I know that dogs have more beautiful souls than many humans.  I know that politics is disgusting and I want no part of it.  I know that always wanting more is so unhealthy, yet I always do.  I know how to take care of my body, yet I don't do it.  I know that having a child changed the #1 goal in my life, forever.  I know that I need to have a more positive outlook on life.  I know that people disappoint me constantly, and that's my fault for having high expectations.  I know that I am not very good at accepting responsibility for things that happen.  I know that I have done awful, immoral things that I will never, ever tell anyone.  I know that moving around so much as a child directly caused many of my adult issues.  I know that people think I'm confident, even though I'm shrinking on the inside from my insecurities.  I know that the oceans move me, and I should've become a marine biologist.  I know that writing is a wonderful way to express ourselves. And I know that I worry way too much about what people think about me, which made this very difficult to post.

While I realize this is not necessarily what was meant by "write what you know", its what came to mind and I thought it important enough to write down.

Whew.  I was going to continue in another direction for a while, but I think that's enough.  More later.

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