Bumps and Bruises and Burns...Oh My!!

So, I'm pretty sure if you saw me without clothes on, you would (first, laugh hysterically, but that's beside the point of this post) think that either 1) I've recently been in a serious car accident, 2) I lost a fight with a grizzly, or 3) I enjoy throwing myself down flights of stairs. "Au contraire", I would say. Watch me for a day. Approximately every 12.3 seconds, I am either falling down, bumping my leg/toe/elbow/eyeball on something pointy and hurty, or running flat into objects that are clearly visible to everyone but me.  Bruises, cuts, scrapes, and burns abound on my poor body.  It's really quite amazing I've never broken a bone or had stitches or otherwise been hospitalized for anything serious. I'm pretty sure this is Mother Nature's way of ensuring that I have no good stories to tell and cannot get sympathy for my thousandy-or-so daily injuries.

OK, that's partially a lie.  When I was ~9, I fell head-first over the handlebars of my bike, going downhill, on a patch of gravel, and landed mouth-first on the road.  I ended up in the ER with a ginormous, blimpity lip that did not allow me to close my mouth for around a week (only partially an issue, see I, Mouthbreather).

BUT, I did not get stitches and the only thing close to sympathy I received (other than from my family, who doesn't really count when you're a kid) was the kids at school running from me and calling me a monster.

Yep, that's as awesome as it gets at that age.

Luckily, Ace is much more graceful than I and doesn't constantly look like he fell off a cliff onto a pile of ______ (insert your choice of painful, sharp, burny objects here) .  And, thus far, it appears as though Smelly is taking after Daddy.  For a little dude of 2 years, he's had very few injuries, especially for a boy, and somehow manages to perch precariously, climb very high, and fall on his head without busting it open like an egg.

Is this not enough to deal with, you may ask?? In addition to the harm self-inflicted every day, my clumsiness also causes me to constantly have food, drink, or some strange bodily fluid (gross...not that) stain on my clothing.  Even when I don't eat mustard, a mustard stain will magically appear on my right boob. Ace was incredibly proud of himself for thinking to put Shout wipes in my stocking for Xmas one year. While I'd like to think it was to help me in looking a little less gross while in public, I'm pretty sure he did it for himself, just so people wouldn't look at him and wonder what he's doing with the chick who just crawled out of the trashcan at McD's.

Now. Excuse me while I go and try to lick off the mystery food spot that just magically appeared on my new arm bruise. Ow.